Plan B is the new Plan A
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
