I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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