He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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