i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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