Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
