I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Randomize
