My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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