You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
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