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Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
