She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
