Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
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