i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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