I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
