in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
