You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
