everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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