I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
