dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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