dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
