god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Randomize
