he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.
As you should.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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