so that wasnt chicken after all
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
