who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize
