We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
