apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Randomize
