well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
