Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
His hands were made for my vagina.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
