My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
Ketchup is God's man juice
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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