you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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