If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
