I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
he thought i was a dude.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
