i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
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