we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
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