I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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