turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Man, jail baloney is awful.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
