I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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