2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
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