Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
