His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
