when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
