who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
