anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
