Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
Randomize
