so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
