Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
