o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
and you said cock pushups were impossible
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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