You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
25 Children of Helicopter Parents Admit The Most Horrible Thing They Were Put Through
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Proof That Kendall Jenner Is The Queen of Cannes
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.