I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
These 27 Hilarious People Wrote Their Own Obituaries
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
23 Men Confess What Gifts Would Brighten Their Day
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.