True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I got really high with eric & scott.. they're discussing why words sound the way they do.. it's going to get messy
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Randomize
