some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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