EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
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