the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Randomize
