she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Randomize
