You kept calling me your small dog last night.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
