I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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