The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
