dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
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