I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
