Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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