He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
