Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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