I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
