I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
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