I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
